Book review- Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Are we, as parents raising them correctly?
Whether the time spent with them is sufficient?
Are they content?
Am I doing things correctly?
Should I be more relaxed or easygoing with them?
Should I train them or let them choose?

As a growing mother of two kids, there are moments when my “common sense” takes the sideways. Several doubts hit hard, leaving me emotionally burdened and guilty, and overcharged with the questions like these. The distress is humongous on my psyche, especially when my introverted elder and extroverted younger son are interacting with other kids and are in a severe misunderstanding with others.

I am an overprotective mother and working on becoming more flexible. Still, I acknowledge that they need to learn lessons themselves (because that is the best way to learn). While I try to give them their space and see them struggle …and pray for them to do better… those moments of standing and watching are a pain in the heart and soul.

I recently finished this book recommended on many sites as the wise, groundbreaking book giving parents the practical tools they need to cope with conflict, encourage cooperation, reduce competition, and make it possible for children to experience the joys of their unique relationships.

“Siblings without Rivalry” is a guide presented in the discussion format and aims to provide solutions to reduce hostility and generate goodwill between siblings and kids of the same age group.

It may sound harsh, but I did not find the tools discussed in the chapters advisable, at least concerning my scenario. The general sense of the book roams around bright ideas like stopping comparing kids with others, acknowledging their anger, supporting vocal communication, etc. 

But here's my thing: I refuse to believe that kids are innately and constantly at each other's throats. Life is just that hard for them because they have a sibling or a friend with a different temperament. I refuse to agree with the point that they don't have their own minds and they can be manipulated with wise talks. Every kid is unique (as in my case, with one introvert and another extrovert). Hence, they require different methods to understand and make them know the situation. 

As a parent with unique personalities and tendencies, my question is, how can we be braver and more intelligent. Our journey from being a couple to growing as parents and their growth from being a kid to an adult goes hand in hand!! 

With this, I am sharing a few takeaways from the book (which may or may not be new)-

First and foremost is that children don't need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely. E.g. Instead of showing equal love, show that he or she is loved uniquely. "You are the only 'you' in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place" instead of "I love you both equally."

By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a “number one child”. This curtails any feeling of being compared in nature and jealousy. This “individuality” seed is needed for their peace of mind and overall personality growth.

For the “bully and victim situation”, it is our two-fold task to lead the situation so that the bully becomes compassionate and the victim learns to be strong.

This fourth takeaway is personal to me. Adjusting our parenting behaviours so that we are not making the problem worse by either interfering unnecessarily or overthinking the issue, causing health trouble.

Instead of giving equal amounts, give according to individual needs.

At last, it is not the quantity of time spent but the quality of time devoted that makes all the magic in the growing age of kids.

My verdict: This book probably isn't 100% useless, but it's pretty damn near. It takes for granted that our children have no minds of their own and that, as parents, we are almost entirely responsible for who our kids grow up to be. You can read if you have never read any parenting books, but you can find better ones.

P.S. Do advise me on some other parenting guidebooks.